Coming Out Help For Gay Husbands
Research shows that more than 80% of mixed-orientation marriages end in divorce. But divorce is not necessarily inevitable for these marriages. According to Amity Buxton of the Straight Spouse Network, "When the gay, lesbian, or bisexual spouse comes out, a third of the couples break up immediately; another third stay together for one to two years, sorting out what to do and then divorce; the remaining third try to make their marriages work. A half of these couples divorce, while half of them (17% of the total) stay together for three or more years." Straight Spouse Network
Most gay married men enter marriage loving their wives to the best of their ability, and believe that they can have the traditional "Dream” of a wife, children, and societal respectability. At some point in the marriage, as your sexuality becomes more defined, the dream shatters, and you are left to deal with who you are. Your being gay is not a "sexual preference," but rather it is who you are, no matter how hard you fight it, and doesn't want it to be true due to your family, religious, and societal pressures.
We tell men in your situation that you may not have a choice in your same sex orientation--but you do have a choice in being honest about it with your wife.
We can help you come out to your wife or girlfriend. It is not an easy process, but we can help. You do not have to continue hating yourself and inadvertently punishing your wife because of how you feel. Once a man realizes that he is fantasizing about men or engaging in gay sex, he has a responsibility to be honest with the woman he promised to love, cherish, and honor. Honor means being honest about who you are no matter how difficult that is.
You may have already stripped your wife of her sense of self-esteem and sexual esteem through the lies and deceit. Certainly in many cases — like yours — the hurt is not intentional, but nevertheless, unintentional hurt is just as painful. We know that coming out to your wife is the second most difficult task any gay married man has to go through. The most difficult task is living a daily lie and denying both you and your wife of the happiness that the truth can bring.
You may be feeling isolated, but by no means are you alone. Your situation affects over 4 million women and their gay husbands in this country, as well as millions more throughout the world. It is not uncommon, although because you are living through it, you feel extremely isolated and alone. However, there comes a time when you have to be true to yourself and who you are.
Living a double life is debilitating to you and your family. You have been doing this too long not to know that, or even feel the effects and see what it does to your family, especially your wife. Never for one moment believe that your wife doesn't know that something is wrong. Most likely, she is internalizing that your unhappiness is, believing it is because of something wrong that she is doing, which is not the case. We both know she could be the best wife in the world — but you are a gay man whose need is for a man. If you truly love her, you won't want her to suffer this way anymore.
There are two important newsletters written by gay husbands/ex-husbands who are part of the Bonnie Kaye Network. Bonnie will be happy to send them to you if you request them by writing to her at Bonkaye@aol.com. Just let her know you got her info here at Connecting the Down Low Clues. She also has some excellent support for you from other men who understand your struggle because they have lived it and can help you through it. She will make sure to provide support from them if you are interested. There are also some good book recommended on this page. Try to read some of them.
The important thing for you to remember is that you have had a lifetime to struggle with this. Your wife will need time to process this as well. She will need your emotional and financial support in order to start healing. We will be happy to give your wife the support she needs as you both go through this transition. We understand that confidentiality is key...you will have that. Just let us know when you are ready and we will help you through it. We have been there with a gay partner or spouse like you, so we know how much your wife is suffering. Even if you were not aware of it.
Depriving her of your affection, compassion, closeness, and sexual satisfaction can't be easy for you. Imagine how hard that is for her to deal with day after day, week after week, month after month and year after year? It cannot be easy. Your body is hers to enjoy, are you able to let her do that?...as often as she would like? hmm...Why not? Don't you think it's time to come clean and tell the truth.
We cannot promise you that everything will be wonderful once the truth is out, but we can guarantee you that both of you will continue to be miserable if it doesn't happen. In many cases, families can remain families and raise their children even if it is in separate homes. If you have gotten to the point of reading this information, it means that you are looking to do the only thing to save your family unit. As we often tell my women — Life was never meant to be this complicated. Period!
Fortunately, you do have many choices on how to handle this sensitive topic with integrity when you reveal your sexual orientation to your Heterosexual partner or wife. So, if you need help, we can put you in touch with compassionate and understanding professionals that specialize in the Coming Out Process. As well as, connect you with individuals that have been through this. You are not alone....there is help available. Do the right thing..be honest, your wife deserves to know the truth.
Send us an EMAIL and we will provide you with the info to get the necessary help you may need. Your information will be kept in absolute confidence.