Help For Men and Women in Relationships with a Secretly Gay Spouse.
As an immigrant, and community outreach advocate, living is South Florida, I cannot help noticing, that even though discussions and debate of the Jamaican buggery law are taking center stage in the consciousness of many Jamaicans, on the island and abroad, there is no mention of the effects that the law itself is having on the lives, and wellbeing of our Jamaican women and their families. Preservation of our island women and children must remain an important factor in the equation, if we intend to have our youths, especially our young men and boys, grow up to enjoy a life free of any sexual oppression or shame.
From my vantage point, Caribbean women in general, and Jamaicans in particular, are at a great disadvantage, because their well being, emotional, physical and psychological, does not seem to matter. I know that historically women have been the rock and foundation of our Jamaican families. This has helped to maintain the family structure, regardless of what our men did, or didn’t do, to support good family dynamics. As a woman, you may consider my views partial, but some consideration must be given to the plight of our women in this year 2012, and beyond.
Yes, it has been many years since the buggery law was passed, and as a devoted Christian woman, I understand its importance. We should not have to fear sanctions, because our country refuses to conform to and moral code, dictated by foreign countries. Somehow, I suspect that the law did not come about because of some information that I can find in my bible, but rather because of some moralistic overture of politicians.
However, you cannot effectively rule with a law preserved in a vacuum…How did we get a law that punish for homosexual acts between consenting adults, exclusive of any for adultery, fornication and other sexual sins between consenting adults? Jamaica is a predominantly Christian nation, and I may be naïve, but how do you adjudicate this law without any reference to all the other sexual sins. The point is, when we overlook the other sexual sins, even though we try to present a moralistic view, the premise may become lost, on those who will never understand the reasoning behind such a one sided, uneven situation.
That brings me to the point of how and why, some of our women are suffering so unnecessarily, as they are stuck in marriages and relationships with secretly gay men, who are using them as ‘cover’ for their gay orientation. Fewer women would suffer from emotional distress, low sexual esteem, low self esteem, and shame, if gay men were able to be who they are, and express themselves in discreet, nonjudgmental ways. They would not feel the need to deceive any of our women to fit in, to feel worthy, to enjoy respectability, or to worship as they desire.
No, I am not an advocate for any form of gay orientation. I am just tired of how many men, who feel ashamed of their same sex orientation, believe that the only way they can have any measure of status, or societal acceptance, regardless of their intellect or financial standing, is to use our beautiful, intelligent, progressive, island women to cover up their gay orientation and accompanying behaviors.
People who want to deliberately sin, and make sin be a center court in their life, should be able to do so, as long as they do not hurt others in the process. Their actions will have to be given an account of, but not before men, but instead before God. He will provide the ultimate punishment.
So, we should spend our time protecting, and safe guarding the innocent, in ways that make sense. I fail to see how any buggery law in Jamaica or anywhere else does that effectively. If anything, it makes the guilty go into hiding…not stop the behavior, just hide it, and learn how to hide it really well. That is why some of our well educated, beautiful, talented and soulful women, are suffering in marriages, or relationships with men, who will never admit that they are gay, but continue to perpetuate the same sex behavior in secret, to the detriment of their unknowing spouse. That is also one of the reasons why some of our young men and women are damaged as a result of coerced, inappropriate, gay sexual relations with older secretly gay adults.
If these men and women feel safe to have consensual, discreet relations with other consenting adults, they would leave innocent, naïve, impressionable, young people alone and mingle with others of like mind. Men and women, who enjoy sexual relations with the same sex, are just as sinful as straight men and women who commit adultery, fornication and pedophilia. SIN is sin, a BIG one, or a small one; it does not make a difference to God. They will all receive the same treatment.
So until something changes, to help protect our women, so we can better preserve the family structure and ensure better family dynamics, with improved mental and physical health, I have some suggestions for our Caribbean women, our Jamaican women in particular.
1. Minority women everywhere make up the highest percentage of women affected with HIV/AIDS. PROTECT YOURSELF! INSIST on safe sex, even with your husbands. Yes, some husbands are having ‘down low’ gay sex with other men who may not know that they are infected with HIV and other STD’s. Yes, many secretly gay men are not aware of their HIV status, because they refuse to get tested. One study finds that 44% of (MSM), men who have sex with men do not know their HIV status. So, protect yourself. You do not want to become infected and die and leave your children as orphans.
2. Get tested for HIV/AIDS and other STD’s. There is no stigma to being tested and knowing your HIV status gives you power and leverage. Every country has their own testing programs, learn about yours. If you live in the USA, you can text your zip code to 566948. You will receive a reply text, with the name and telephone number of a testing facility near your home. You may be able to test anonymously. Become comfortable with open and honest conversations with your significant other…if they will allow it. Yes, I know how some of our Caribbean men can be sometimes.
3. If you suspect, or know that your significant other has gay orientation, or is actively having gay sex, get tested immediately. If you are negative, do not assume that your man is negative. He may be positive and you are not. Remember Magic Johnson and his wife? Insist that he gets tested too, and make sure you know the test result. This will be difficult for some of you, but you have to try. Your life may depend on it…and his life too for that matter.
4. USE YOUR WOMAN’S INTUITION: If it looks like a duck, walks and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. Where there is smoke there is fire. When the fire alarm goes off do you ignore it, or do you check to see where the fire is? Your woman’s intuition is your alarm; use it to find out the information. Your intuition does not send off ‘false’ alarms. Yes, you have to be your own best detective. Who else loves you more than you?
5. Learn some of the basic clues to know if your man is creeping with other gay men. It is not easy, but if you learn some basic clues, and you are able to put them together, you will get the story. Knowing the truth will be difficult to handle, but will probably save your life. If you find clues that you husband or significant other is gay, do not go crazy and get yourself in trouble. Our organization is here to help men and women in that situation. We are based in South Florida, but we are here for everyone who needs us.
6. Educate yourself about matters that affect you socially. That way you will have a clue how to roll with the punches, so to speak. Knowledge is power. Learning to check your home computer's history can be a powerful thing. If you learn how to do this, you will be able to tell what websites anyone who uses the computer visited...unlwess they erase the browsing history. If that is the case then someone has something they are hiding.
PRESS the CTRL + H keys
CTRL + H
A new window will pop up to the top left or top right. You will be able to click on today's history or history from weeks ago.
If you use Google Chrome you will get the day, date and time of the sites visited. If you use Internet Explorer, Fire Fox, ANY browser for that matter, you will get a list of all sites visited and you will be able to look at the site contents.
If you cannot see the sites visited, the browsing history has been deleted. The browsing history is usually deleted when the computer user has something to hide. Even if it's financial stuff that's being hidden, you may be at risk in your relationship. INVESTIGATE DISCRETELY!
7. Whether you are a man or a woman, if you know or suspect that you are in a relationship or marriage with a secretly gay spouse, there is help available for you. You are not alone. Contact us. We will educate you, so you can understand your situation, and be empowered enough to know when to seek support.
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Help For Men and Women in Relationships with a Secretly Gay Spouse.