by Douglas Weiss, Ph.D.
Question: How many times is too much? How many times is not enough?
Answer: Now here is a real guy question. Unfortunately, there's not a concrete, one-size-fits-all answer. First, let's deal with entitlement. We are not entitled to all the sex we want.
Sex isn't something that you want to approach just from a physical perspective. This would be like your wife asking how much prayer and nurture she's entitled to have from her Christian husband!
If you're looking for averages, two to three times a week is average for couples under 50 and one to two times a week is average for couples over 50.
training for intimate, satisfying sex.
Now if you are keeping your eyes open, the lights on and having nurturing conversation during sex, then both you and she will be more sexually satiated. The more intimate sex is, the more satiated you will feel. The more satiated you feel, the longer you can go between meals—so to speak.
Let's talk about working out the appetite differences between you and your wife. I recommend Chapter 11 in my book Sex, Men and God (Siloam). You and your wife can work out a sexual agreement that you both can be satiated with.
Remember, how can two walk together unless they agree?
When assisting couples toward reaching sexual agreement and harmony, I ask them how often they would like to have sex. It is surprising how many times their answers are the same.
They look at each other in amazement, and then say to me that they really didn't know they agreed so closely on the issue. My next question is usually, "Then why aren't you doing it that often?" Typically their answer is that they haven't had any real discussion or communication about the issue.
Question: Do you think foreplay is wrong?
Answer: Absolutely not. Foreplay is what makes sex fun! If you have played any sport in your masculine life, you know about the warm-up phase. Your coach would have you stretch, pull and twist to get you ready to play.
Sex is more than a sport and foreplay is more than just groping at your spouse. Remember that the rest of her body is foreplay, too. Go for her hair, back and feet before you move on.
Remember that sex is also three-dimensional. Have your spiritual foreplay intact. Make sure you have been sharing your heart and not just managing communication with your wife. Make sure appreciations for the many things she does as well are flowing from your lips.
Also, consider that the woman you want to engage with is a global thinker; make sure you have kept your word or have done your assignments (honey do's). Yes, a random act of kindness (laundry and dishes) is also foreplay. So foreplay of all types is really good.
Question: My wife and I have 4 children, and neither of us wants to have surgery. Is there a "safe age" to stop using condoms?
Answer: Many men have erroneous fears about the surgery to their private area. The visions of the doctor slipping and ending their sex life flash through many men's minds. They may also believe that sex won't be as great after the surgery. None of these are true.
For you, it's an outpatient surgery and you can go right back to work that same day. If you don't want that surgery and you keep using condoms, you must be aware that they are not foolproof. I heard one sex educator state that they are about 70 percent effective.
So you are still running a risk of having the fifth child. If this is your only method of birth control, then the only time to stop using a condom is when your wife has gone through menopause.
That may be a long time from now, so if you're going to use condoms, I have two pieces of advice. First, make sure you check the expiration dates on the condoms before you purchase them. Using a newer condom is better than an expired condom. Second, stock up on them so you don't run into a night where you don't have any.
Doug Weiss, Ph.D., is founder of Heart to Heart Counseling Center and author of The 7 Love Agreements, which explains the power of unity in marriage and outlines seven "love agreements" that will revitalize relationships (available at strangdirect.com). Contact him at drdougweiss.com, or 5080 Mark Dabling Blvd., Colorado Springs, CO 80918, or firstname.lastname@example.org