I have stopped counting the days or evens months that I awoke from my life changing experience. To rise with the morning sun on this birthday morn,( April 10th)setters dangling from my hair, yawning and stretching from a well rested night and bless to step out of my bed wholesome; not needing a man to make or break me..... 360 degree moment for me. A year has passed so quickly and yet there were times it stood still, taunting me.
For my last three blog I wrote at milestones that propelled me through the vulnerabilities. My life as a straight spouse in the beginning can be compared to a new human life; needing developmental milestones. I am no longer counting the days to recovery; truth is there is no such thing. Habitual emotional abuse followed by such an unexpected betrayal, suspected and then faced with your man leading a double life having sex with other men is a lifetime I am not willing to spend with my mind in a straight jacket.
So even when you are saying, howdy, smiling, having a conversation or chatting up your new love interest this new life, my straight spouse title and the damage to my persona lingers and haunt me.
I know I decided that I didn’t need any kind of support, opting to think that this too shall pass but this experience is more than just me outing him, his secret life expose and everyone else taking sides. This reliving each discovery, analyzing and revisiting all the evidence is a daily mental strain. It has nothing to do with loving him or wanting to be with him again, that milestone was passed the moment I decided I could not physically have sex with a man who just confessed to me whether out of arrogance or just ignorance that “my ass and mi do weh mi want wid it!”.
So I have been thinking, was it inevitable that I would have found out or did he under the pressure of living a lie, trusted me too much with his name and nature.
Precious our Jamaican straight spouse shares her journey with all other straight spouses in Jamaica and beyond. Initially Precious thought her experiences were different from women in other countries and cultures, women from wealthy backgrounds, women with a university education, women who have husbands who are lawyers, doctors and other wealthy professional types.
Precious Blog Post #3
I write today one hundred twenty days since that awful day of reckoning bless, wholesome and empowered. April through May seems so long ago, I am happy that I logged my feeling by sharing my story in Precious 1 and 2 blogs.
Yesterday I kept my promise to myself, I did my second HIV test in four months, I was confident the results would mirror the first and it did……Negative! For me it symbolizes the last connection to my gay ex, good riddance to my gay parasite.
By the grace of God I am still here! Stronger and living with renewed purpose and vision. When you out your partner to the world you also share the spotlight. Initially I chose to be timid, weary of the feedback from my declaration of this man creeping around with another man, admitting to me his secret and thinking me desperate enough to stay with him living a life on his terms.
To me one of the hardest things about staying married to a gay man for any length of time is that, once you have been given the full information, you are dragged into his closet and forced to live there with him. Suddenly you are living with this secret, and the shattering pain and humiliation it is causing you, pretty much isolated and completely alone. Often, understandably, he doesn't want you to tell anyone while he either experiments and figures out what he is going to do or stays closeted forever in an attempt to live the life of a straight man.
Every single thing suddenly becomes about, and revolves around, his "issue." It eclipses everything. All other marital problems, those that any couple deals with, are swept under the rug or filed under the category of "Because He is Gay" and become too big and confusing to deal with and work on. It consumes our every waking thought and often our sleep as well. It affects how we look at ourselves and our lives and how we do nearly everything. It is hard enough for women to not lose themselves completely in marriage and motherhood but when we find out, or finally face the fact, that our husbands are gay - it is nearly impossible to not disappear completely.
You husband knew the reason for your declining marriage, but couldn’t find the decency or strength within himself to be honest with you. He is the pastor so you expected a different level of honesty. When a couple lives a lie, there is not much to talk about because how do you distinguish the truths from the falsehoods? During your years together, he continued to shift the failure of your relationship to you — if only you were more supportive, if only you were more attractive, if only you weren't so pushy in the bedroom, if only you were more understanding.
The down low has hit your church and the deceiver in chief is none other than the pastor. A Pastor who has a stable of down low men at his beck and call to service his needs. Some of their wives know but talking about it, much less doing something about it is out of the question. Pastor's needs must be met. Men will be men. Better yet why talk and mess us the good thing you have going on? You get everything you need even if it means the sister's husbands are taking turns being carnally abused.
Your husband has a nice stable of men who he sometimes hand picks a sister to marry into. Yes, brother so and so and sister so and so getting married. It will be good for the sister as she really needs a husband. Have you thought that she needs a husband who will adore her and enjoy her body since she has be saving herself for a good husband. Do you want her to have a life of no sex, or bad sex just like you?
By the way, the ones who tell their wives are really the honest ones although it’s hard to believe when you’re hearing the truth. It’s the ones that refuse to tell you and accuse you of being crazy who are contemptible. It is going to take time to get past the pain of this.
You need to give yourself the time you need to go through all the stages of mourning and grieving just like you need to mourn for someone who died.
This is the death of a marriage, and in many cases, it is a very ugly death. You need people who will help you grieve and mourn constructively. Choose your support team wisely.
I’ve read so many stories from women asking the same question ‘Is my man gay?’ and conducting lists of reasons, suspicions, signs. These lists are usually quite similar to one another and I’m always able to spot more than a few signs that I recognize from my own experience. For now I’m just going to make a list and then later I’ll elaborate on each one individually.
1. Lack of intimacy/No sex
2. Inability to maintain erection/Blaming it on ED/Viagra prescription
3. Porn stashed in home (involving more men than women)
4. Questionable internet activity (late night, multiple email accounts, live webcam)
5. Spending a lot of time with young, male friends
6. Disappearing for unexplained hours, sometimes a whole day
7. Buying magazines for men (Fitness etc)
8. Buying sex toys (anal beads, dildos)
9. Wanting a threesome with another man
10. Talking about friends penis size
11. Commenting on how handsome certain men are
12. Wanting me to dress like a tomboy, hated sexy lingerie
13. Overly flirtatious with women (overcompensating)
14. Drug use, alcoholism (an escape from reality)
15. Constant state of depression (good way to avoid intimacy, confrontation)
16. Frequenting gay bars (just for fun, apparently)
17. Increased personal hygiene when going out alone
18. No eye contact during sex, covering face. Wanting anal sex.
19. Vacations in places with separate beds
20. Anxiety, irritability, anger at being touched
~ by brebrave on May 23, 2013.
“GPS” is depended on to get you from point A to point B. You start with our current location, key in our destination and WAH-LAH a voice command begins navigating your journey.
Straight Spouses have another kind of GPS. A man who is GAY POSING STRAIGHT. Your 'GPS' doesn’t give you the correct information to find your way in the relationship, in other words, he doesn’t tell you the truth.
He married you under false pretenses hiding that he is gay. Without this vital fact you find yourself not knowing whether you are coming or going. You are lost in the abyss, never able to get from one point to another. From foreplay to orgasm, because there is not foreplay and your GPS cannot remain focused enough to finish guiding you to your destination.
Lose weight, keep the house cleaner, be a better mother, stop nagging and while you comply with these ridiculous demands-NOTHING CHANGES.
The longer you live with him, the more confused and lost you become. “WRONG TURN…RE-ROUTING, RE-ROUTING”!!! So much re-routing that you no longer know who you are or what you are doing and there is no technology that is going to help you find your way. You are not only a lost woman but you have lost your hopes and dreams, your self esteem, and sexual esteem. Your mo jo is gone. Worst of all your GPS makes you feel crazy.
Your common sense and truths are long gone to places unknown. You are made to feel crazy when you find evidence on the computer, cellphone or credit card statement. You learn to doubt yourself, just like your GPS likes it. You are lost with a GPS. What a tragedy!
Jamaican Woman's Intuition