Dr. Cooper shared your email and I am so sorry to know that you are a straight spouse. It breaks my heart every time another woman writes or calls. However, I am feeling happy to know that you are already on your healing journey. You are smart to reach out for support. You are not alone!
You are in typical straight spouse mode right no and it's OK. That is survival mode too. There is nothing wrong with you. You have something unfortunate happen in your life but that does not mean you are flawed. Yes, we sometimes feel broken because of the devastating deception and shame that we have endured, but that does not make us flawed...It makes us human...WOMAN.
The road to straight spouse healing and recovery can be very tedious but I believe you have what it takes to get you through this and come out stronger and better than you were before. You did nothing wrong...loving someone who was deceptive and unfaithful is not wrong. They did something wrong not you. You could not have known he had same sex orientation when it was a secret that he wished to hide. God allowed you to find out before more damage was done so thank Him. You are not alone my sister.
God can use this difficult situation you are facing to help strengthen you and make you blossom beyond belief. He will also help you to develop perseverance. You will need that to overcome everything that this dark situation brings to your life. You should accept support but on your own terms. You are not required to share your problem with anyone you don't feel comfortable sharing it with.
You are not required to go public, at least not more than you already have. You don't have to become an advocate or an activist either, even though you never know what God has planned for your life. BUT you should get support no matter how very minute it may be. You don't have to talk with me via phone but I have no problems providing you with the necessary understanding, validation, affirmation and awareness support that you require via email.
Please, please get tested for all the required STD’s. There is no shame in getting tested. There can be shame and disappointment if you do not get tested ASAP. HIV is not the death sentence it used to be because of the advance of HIV medications that are available. The sooner you get tested the better off you will be. Either way you will know what you need to do pertaining to your future health. I presume that you may have children. Get tested for them, if not for yourself.
I look at life's trials from a point of view knowing that God will never ever give us more that we can handle and he will never ever leave us alone unless we ask him to. Right now you may be angry and ashamed because of your unusual circumstances but you are not alone. I understand and have walked in your shoes to some degree. You will never be alone again.
Cry all you need to. Weep and wail if you must, as that is all a part of the grieving process. Yes, you need to grieve and get this out of your system. It may take a long time but you are already on your way. You are a smart woman and from your writing I can tell that you are a beautiful human being who just graduated from one of life’s hard knock universities. This situation has made you wiser that you will ever imagine, even though you may not know it yet.
I've really learned to depend on the passage in James 1:2-3 where it says 'Count it all joy my brethren when you encounter all trials, for the trying of your faith produces endurance or patience.' The Scripture does not say, 'Count it all joy immediately.' It is a process, but eventually you get to that place where you make up your mind to regard your adversity as something to welcome or be glad about. It is a choice. In life, problems are inevitable. Joy is an option." I hope you chose the option to be happy...even if you don't see how right now.
Perseverance is a positive character trait that will help you through life's current and future trials. Think about what you have been persevering in as a result of your straight spouse situation. Perseverance is developed by proceeding forward no matter what the circumstances, and when you stumble and fall, perseverance involves getting back up again (often with the help of others and always with the help of God!) and pointing yourself in that forward direction once again.
"Consider it pure joy, my brethren, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance" (James 1:2-3). My favorite verse that keeps me strengthened is Philippians 4:13: "I Can Do All Things through Christ Who Strengthens Me."
Pray this simple prayer: Gracious Father, You are always here to help me in my spiritual and personal growth. Thank you for lifting me up and supporting me when I begin to falter and fall. There is no suffering that is meaningless with you so I know that you will use this pain I feel for a good purpose. Thank you for your protection. Amen.
You can go to our radio archives page and listen to some of the past shows that are saved there to help motivate and support straight spouses all over the world.
Your pain will be intense for a good while but the more you reach out to others who understand what you are feeling the better you will feel. Eventually you will figure out how to address your situation in the best way for you. Stay in touch with a support group. Ours is a really good one to join.
None of us is perfect and we all have our moments when we cannot think straight. The important thing is that you recognize what your immediate needs are and know where to reach out for help. You will do just fine even though you may not be able to see it or feel it right now.
Just continue to make one step at a time and if you feel like you take a step or two backwards, that is OK too. We all do that sometimes. Just try to take more forward steps than backward ones. If you find yourself taking all backwards steps one day, just pray for strength and regroup for the next day.
Rome was not built in a day. You have loved your spouse or significant other for so long, I do not expect that love to go away immediately and neither should you. Be careful though, that you do not buy into any false hope as that will end up hurting you more than you are feeling now. Gay men cannot change their sexual orientation. They will never desire you sexually, like they desire men.
You can join our straight spouse online support chats on Sundays, Tuesdays and Thursdays at 9:05 pm EST. TUESDAY, THURSDAY & SUNDAY night is our evening support chat with my straight spouse mentor Bonnie Kaye: 9:05 p.m. EST, 8:05 p.m. CT, 7:05 p.m. MT, 6:05 p.m. PT. Make sure to log in using the link below: You will be required to register as a new user. Just do it, it’s safe.
You can also drop into the straight spouse forum using this link http://www.southfloridaconnects.com/straight-spouse-support-forum.html
You can ask any question anytime 24/7 and someone will respond. You can continue to reach out to us via email or you can call if you need to. 954-983-9751
Whatever you do, do not give up. Just take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Read all you can from books or online. Try to listen to the radio broadcasts and seminars that are archived for your benefit. The more knowledgeable you become about straight spouse awareness, the better you will feel. You are not alone. Life was not meant to be this complicated and difficult...Period!