I have stopped counting the days or evens months that I awoke from my life changing experience. To rise with the morning sun on this birthday morn,( April 10th)setters dangling from my hair, yawning and stretching from a well rested night and bless to step out of my bed wholesome; not needing a man to make or break me..... 360 degree moment for me. A year has passed so quickly and yet there were times it stood still, taunting me.
For my last three blog I wrote at milestones that propelled me through the vulnerabilities. My life as a straight spouse in the beginning can be compared to a new human life; needing developmental milestones. I am no longer counting the days to recovery; truth is there is no such thing. Habitual emotional abuse followed by such an unexpected betrayal, suspected and then faced with your man leading a double life having sex with other men is a lifetime I am not willing to spend with my mind in a straight jacket.
So even when you are saying, howdy, smiling, having a conversation or chatting up your new love interest this new life, my straight spouse title and the damage to my persona lingers and haunt me.
I know I decided that I didn’t need any kind of support, opting to think that this too shall pass but this experience is more than just me outing him, his secret life expose and everyone else taking sides. This reliving each discovery, analyzing and revisiting all the evidence is a daily mental strain. It has nothing to do with loving him or wanting to be with him again, that milestone was passed the moment I decided I could not physically have sex with a man who just confessed to me whether out of arrogance or just ignorance that “my ass and mi do weh mi want wid it!”.
So I have been thinking, was it inevitable that I would have found out or did he under the pressure of living a lie, trusted me too much with his name and nature.
For my last three blog I wrote at milestones that propelled me through the vulnerabilities. My life as a straight spouse in the beginning can be compared to a new human life; needing developmental milestones. I am no longer counting the days to recovery; truth is there is no such thing. Habitual emotional abuse followed by such an unexpected betrayal, suspected and then faced with your man leading a double life having sex with other men is a lifetime I am not willing to spend with my mind in a straight jacket.
So even when you are saying, howdy, smiling, having a conversation or chatting up your new love interest this new life, my straight spouse title and the damage to my persona lingers and haunt me.
I know I decided that I didn’t need any kind of support, opting to think that this too shall pass but this experience is more than just me outing him, his secret life expose and everyone else taking sides. This reliving each discovery, analyzing and revisiting all the evidence is a daily mental strain. It has nothing to do with loving him or wanting to be with him again, that milestone was passed the moment I decided I could not physically have sex with a man who just confessed to me whether out of arrogance or just ignorance that “my ass and mi do weh mi want wid it!”.
So I have been thinking, was it inevitable that I would have found out or did he under the pressure of living a lie, trusted me too much with his name and nature.
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