To me one of the hardest things about staying married to a gay man for any length of time is that, once you have been given the full information, you are dragged into his closet and forced to live there with him. Suddenly you are living with this secret, and the shattering pain and humiliation it is causing you, pretty much isolated and completely alone. Often, understandably, he doesn't want you to tell anyone while he either experiments and figures out what he is going to do or stays closeted forever in an attempt to live the life of a straight man. 

Every single thing suddenly becomes about, and revolves around, his "issue." It eclipses everything. All other marital problems, those that any couple deals with, are swept under the rug or filed under the category of "Because He is Gay" and become too big and confusing to deal with and work on. It consumes our every waking thought and often our sleep as well. It affects how we look at ourselves and our lives and how we do nearly everything. It is hard enough for women to not lose themselves completely in marriage and motherhood but when we find out, or finally face the fact, that our husbands are gay - it is nearly impossible to not disappear completely.

You husband knew the reason for your declining marriage, but couldn’t find the decency or strength within himself to be honest with you. He is the pastor so you expected a different level of honesty.  When a couple lives a lie, there is not much to talk about because how do you distinguish the truths from the falsehoods? During your years together, he continued to shift the failure of your relationship to you — if only you were more supportive, if only you were more attractive, if only you weren't so pushy in the bedroom, if only you were more understanding.

The down low has hit your church and the deceiver in chief is none other than the pastor. A Pastor who has a stable of down low men at his beck and call to service his needs. Some of their wives know but talking about it, much less doing something about it is out of the question. Pastor's needs must be met. Men will be men. Better yet why talk and mess us the good thing you have going on? You get everything you need even if it means the sister's husbands are taking turns being carnally abused.

Your husband has a nice stable of men who he sometimes hand picks a sister to marry into. Yes, brother so and so and sister so and so getting married. It will be good for the sister as she really needs a husband. Have you thought that she needs a husband who will adore her and enjoy her body since she has be saving herself for a good husband. Do you want her to have a life of no sex, or bad sex just like you? 

By the way, the ones who tell their wives are really the honest ones although it’s hard to believe when you’re hearing the truth. It’s the ones that refuse to tell you and accuse you of being crazy who are contemptible. It is going to take time to get past the pain of this. 

You need to give yourself the time you need to go through all the stages of mourning and grieving just like you need to mourn for someone who died.

This is the death of a marriage, and in many cases, it is a very ugly death. You need people who will help you grieve and mourn constructively.  Choose your support team wisely.

I’ve read so many stories from women asking the same question ‘Is my man gay?’ and conducting lists of reasons, suspicions, signs. These lists are usually quite similar to one another and I’m always able to spot more than a few signs that I recognize from my own experience. For now I’m just going to make a list and then later I’ll elaborate on each one individually.

1. Lack of intimacy/No sex
2. Inability to maintain erection/Blaming it on ED/Viagra prescription
3. Porn stashed in home (involving more men than women)
4. Questionable internet activity (late night, multiple email accounts, live webcam)
5. Spending a lot of time with young, male friends
6. Disappearing for unexplained hours, sometimes a whole day
7. Buying magazines for men (Fitness etc)
8. Buying sex toys (anal beads, dildos)
9. Wanting a threesome with another man
10. Talking about friends penis size
11. Commenting on how handsome certain men are
12. Wanting me to dress like a tomboy, hated sexy lingerie
13. Overly flirtatious with women (overcompensating)
14. Drug use, alcoholism (an escape from reality)
15. Constant state of depression (good way to avoid intimacy, confrontation)
16. Frequenting gay bars (just for fun, apparently)
17. Increased personal hygiene when going out alone
18. No eye contact during sex, covering face. Wanting anal sex.
19. Vacations in places with separate beds
20. Anxiety, irritability, anger at being touched

~ by brebrave on May 23, 2013.