I write today one hundred twenty days since that awful day of reckoning bless, wholesome and empowered. April through May seems so long ago, I am happy that I logged my feeling by sharing my story in Precious 1 and 2 blogs.
Yesterday I kept my promise to myself, I did my second HIV test in four months, I was confident the results would mirror the first and it did……Negative! For me it symbolizes the last connection to my gay ex, good riddance to my gay parasite.
By the grace of God I am still here! Stronger and living with renewed purpose and vision. When you out your partner to the world you also share the spotlight. Initially I chose to be timid, weary of the feedback from my declaration of this man creeping around with another man, admitting to me his secret and thinking me desperate enough to stay with him living a life on his terms.
I want to talk real in this blog, I am on a journey, a discovery of me and I wonder often how many women lie to themselves and turn away from the reality of what we say verses what we do. Weeks after outing my ex, I still did not take the initiative to go do a HIV test. I lied to my friends and said that I had done one and the result was negative. It was after being prompted in an email from Dr. Cooper that I decided that I needed to know and brave myself for any results.
My love and thanks.
And so often after using condoms for a short while, we feel comfortable with someone and then we abandon the good practice of safe sex. I have since done a battery of STD testing, all putting me in good health but it would all be in vain if I don’t change my lifestyle.
Real talk Jamaica women, we have problems balancing motherhood and being sexually active women. Who we invite into our homes and give access to our sanctuary needs to be planned and considered before we turn that world upside down. Should we even expose our children to the finer details of our intimate relationship? Aaaah that’s a difficult one, I suppose we will have to judge each man on his own merit.
My need to protect the girls from any child molesting predators coming in and trying to take advantage of them was easily replaced with staying with the evil I already know, My Ex. After all he seems genuinely not interested in de-flowering them. So now I stuck raging at a man I settled with for all the wrong reasons.
I speak freely now of my experience, not to any and everybody but should the subject come up I will educate and advocate the straight spouse issues through my personal experience. At first I spoke to defend the rumors and the people who wouldn’t, maybe couldn’t wrap their brains around my Ex’s gay activities. I was made out be jealous of the new found front (no pun intended) whose house he quickly moved into to throw off all the table talk.
But the eyes of the people were opened and my version of what had happened was clearly being examined. Now even the corner man dem have their doubts. My mission was never to endanger him; if that was the case the Madea in me would have strategized for him from before I throw him out. They say hell has no fury like a woman scorned and so I will continue to sensitize other women on connecting the down low clues.
So what angers me is that in Jamaica, the Bi-Sexual man may have become acceptable or worse forgiven and forgotten. We may have adapted the US Army old Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. These men are the branded ‘galis’, well dress, cash to spare, rolling wid a bag a man and covering up the dual life. Luring both sexes, the unsuspecting low self-esteem woman with anxiety issues and the lickie, lickie, lazy straight men, too weak and marginalize to fight for their manhood. Who will further start to degenerate, starting his own cycle of the down low lifestyle, turning to drugs or just end up with coping issues based on bad choices.
Could it be then that it is the men who look and behave feminine, who are then labeled gay? Who becomes the real target of our intolerance and anger? We may never be comfortable with these honest men who are unapologetic with regards to their sexuality. They have no need to ruin a woman’s life so they can live a lie. Their decision to be with their own sex was never out of a material need, a promotion, living a lie or the easy life.
Friends ask how I got to this place of normalcy, because to most people I seemed flawless in light of all that has happened. I still laugh and I started to take an active role in my community. My best kept secret was Debbie Thomas-Brown. She held my hand like a baby and expertly emailed me through the rough patches. To know that I wasn’t responsible for turning this man gay, that there is nothing about me that led this person to go and get with somebody of the same gender. Thank you Nurse Debbie Thomas-Brown, I am here on the rock representing.
I leave you with a line from a Jamaican folk song I heard during the recent Independence celebrations “ fi mi love have lion heart, fi mi love have lion heart, strong everlasting only fi mi” Love of self has energized me. I also leave with an email Debbie sent me….. It lifts me up when I am down.
Hello Normal Woman;
Precious what you are feeling is completely normal. Millions of us experience those same feelings. You are reflecting. That is all part of the process. Remember that you didn't kick him out of your life because you stopped loving him...you moved on because you began loving yourself a whole lot more that you love him.
Don't rush your recovery. You did not get here in two months, it took years for your awareness to come about. The healing may take just as long. You are doing wonderfully well, even though you may not believe it. Your writing to us and letting us know how you are coping is major progress. Isolation is not on your mind anymore so that is a good sign that you are making progress every day.
Remember that you will go through periods of feeling like you made a mistake and then at other times you will feel so good about kicking him out you will be empowered beyond belief. It is a process and I have never met or spoke to any straight spouse who said it was easy or happen quickly.
You are exceptional though. You moved much faster than I did. It took me almost a year to confront and another year to talk about it. My healing began for real after I began supporting others. Precious I was a stuck on pause because I couldn't believe that happened to me. I was more ashamed than angry for some time and I intentionally isolated myself from friends and family refusing to talk about it. Even my daughter kept asking if we broke up and what happened and I couldn't tell her the truth for a long, long time.
So I am so encouraged by your actions, by each email you write, by the progress I can see that you are making. I know that sometimes you may not believe you are growing but you are and I am so happy for you. I feel so happy knowing that God has provided a double source of support for you in what would be a more difficult, debilitating time for you.
Yes, you will notice differences in your gay ex now that you are on the outside looking in. You were providing a secure shelter and love and warmth for him. Chances are he does not have that now and the woman you thought he had was just for 'profiling' to quell the discussions and to give false impressions. It was just him being a 'GPS' man, gay profiling as straight.
If he could be honest he would tell anyone that he missed the 'cover' that you provided and the security that being with you afforded him in JA. But you did the right thing and he respects you for seeing through his BS, as you deserve so much better. One day he might even apologize but don't hold your breath waiting for an apology because 'down low' men are notorious for denying even to themselves that being a 'GPS man' is wrong. If he cannot admit it to himself, he will never be able to apologize when he might not believe he did anything wrong.
Feeling a sense of loss is perfectly normal. You had a man, at least in your mind you did and now your bed is empty. So yes, you will feel the loss and be careful that you do not try to fill that void because this is a dangerous time for you where another mate is concerned. Take a chill pill and clear your head and your heart of any remnants of your past before you even think of hooking up with anyone else. If you rush you may end up with someone much worse than your ex.
Remember that some days you will feel like you took some steps backwards and that is normal. Just take a deep breath and breathe. Exhale and fill your mind with things that will help to enhance your growth as a woman, as a person. You are normal like the rest of us and you are not feeling anything that others in your situation is not feeling. That means you are normal. You are healing and you are not alone.