It seem all my life I have been waiting for this moment in time, when my heart, head and body was ready to take a deep breath, from down in the depths of my soul and come out with a rejuvenated me.
My D-Day was April 10th, faced with the fact that the man that I laid beside every night was on the down low and that I could not physically ever have sex with him again fueled my rage. Mostly I was angry because he thought that now she knows, she better damn well live with it.
The moment you are honest with yourself, is the moment the madness begins. I wanted my space to think and put together what I must have missed all these months.
So on my 41st birthday I exhaled, too loud, too disruptive and way too public; I outed him and threw out his clothes.
I have taken to clasping my hands and holding my face, taking in sharp deep breaths when confronted with my reality. Even now writing, I get overwhelmed with flashbacks and immediately I clasp my hands and bury my face in them, rocking to and fro. It is my coping mechanism right now.
I wish I could get pass reliving the nights I wanted to have sex but he was in too much pain in the rare to participate or his moving to the edge of the bed so we wouldn’t touch, because touching would have made me feel the bruised anal area blood vessels throbbing. I remember that feeling when my thigh touched his bottom in bed and it was like a racing heartbeat back there. He moved away so quickly and turned to face me for the rest of the night.
I ask myself if it was that I had discovered that he was cheating with a woman, ok let’s make that more than one…. if we still be together today. The honest answer is yes, I would probably nag him into monogamy and hope that my knowing would slow those relationship down or even bring them to a halt. I would comfort myself knowing that every night no matter what he came home to me and that of course I am ‘wifie’.
The outside world wouldn’t be privy to my knowledge of the other women and we would carry on this charade until we passionately made up and once again he would be in my nice book. For love and companionship, I tell you truthfully I would have stayed, if this man was indeed cheating with a woman.
The ramification of his bisexual nature was enough to make me a whistle blower. And today six weeks later, surrounded by support I would have thrown him out if I found out that he was cheating with a woman. Empowering is the feeling of self love and self worth.
She writes, “Deprived of sex, neglected wives start to believe that something is wrong with them. Their husbands tell them they are too thin or too fat. They are just not sexy. In some instances, their husbands have sex (with them) only once a year. Debbie argues that gay men tend to marry women with low self-esteem, who often have anxieties about their attractiveness” ….. my tears flowed for the first time. I pushed away the paper unable to finish the article. I wasn’t alone or unique…..I was not at fault. I could have been a perfect 10 and he would still have starred in the movie “Down low Jamaican Boy Gone Wild”. This ending was never on the possible list of endings for our relationship or 14 years (on and off).
I write soon, I want to detail and get contact number in every parish on this blessed island where we can get tested and seek affordable health care. Loving ourselves enough to be real with our health.
Nuff love and blessings…..Precious.