It doesn’t matter the age your heart gets broken, the pain and the sentiments stay the same. It was hard finding out that my ex is on the down low. Even now, two months into this reality, I’m just now realizing I am indeed nursing a broken heart. You never want to admit that you are hurting or show that although you faced your fears, did the right thing, made the world take a second look at him and questioned the validity of your damaging proclamation ….that somewhere in the rumble is a broken heart.
Nurse Debbie Thomas-Brown has taught me that the Jamaican down low man is no different from any other man living elsewhere in the world. Maybe in Jamaica this deception prevail because especially in my social strata gay men cannot lead a normal life. When I blurted out his damning deeds I was so sure his free loading attitude, his lazy work ethics was what led him to the down low lifestyle. He was swayed by the easy life and didn’t care that he was having sex with men to get money. This is not true, I know now, that to be on the down low, having sex with men was who he really was. Woman are just covers for a life he is unable to lead.
I have known him all my life, we lived in the same community; If I count there are probably nine to ten houses between us. During our teenage years, he was never a love interest for me and if I am truthful I was never a love interest for him. In 1999, then 27 and my ex 28, in the company of some childhood friends I made some wise explicit crack about wanting to just grab any man. I got his attention and the next night he was in my bed. For the next two years we hid that relationship from neighbor, friends and especially my sisters.
My mother exploded when she heard, and many people thought what an unlikely match. No I am no great beauty and certainly not educated so great a level; but looking on it didn’t take a microscope to see that I was kind of refine and he was rough. For awhile it worked, he would come over late and leave before dawn. It was what it was. It wasn’t what I was a custom to; there was no dating/going out! Fourteen years later we have never been out to an event (a serious cave man). We didn’t establish financial parameters…. He never shoulders any responsibility to me as his woman and I will be honest readers, proud of myself with this point, I followed his lead and became Dutch whenever dealing with him. He would run through my cupboard and refrig…..that man can eat! (people nuff fi talk over food….but this hombre had a habit of eating what he didn’t provide.
So on and off we went for years. I would get fed-up him not earning, not sharing and definitely not contributing. Months would go by, at times years. Sometimes we would take breaks and we would get back together because I didn’t have the follow through with other relationships. I certainly didn’t think myself worthy of someone else with better intention toward me. I would take him back into my home until my frustration set in and out again he would go.
I go into the above details, because I want you to know how I figured out my man was on the downlow. I had so many new beginning with him that I can easily spot when something is off with him/us. Maybe it is reason he eventually came clean after I wrote him a letter asking if he was going with men and then finally when I confronted him face-to-face, he broke my heart with his admission.
Ladies follow my clues………Sherlock Precious on the case
In May 2012 we got back together after being apart for nearly two years. You see I had rarely seen him in the that time, choosing a route home that didn’t made our paths cross. So when we hooked up again, he looked so beaten, a shell of the man I had known. He had lost a significant amount of weight and his body was disgustingly covered with liver spots.
I told him that now at age 40, I didn’t want to be on the market looking. He would have to start operating the way a man and a woman operate. He spoke about finally getting a 9-5 job and our new beginning was blessed when a mutual friend offered him work opportunity. Things were great, he started to show promise as a provider and our sex life was never better.
We have always been the talkative couple in bed…. I will miss that. My bed was just the place to be comfortable with each other and share. (clue #1) One night we were chatting a friend and he retort that he knew this friend had inform on him about his moving away a few months after our last break up; that during the time I didn’t see him was because he went to live with a friend….. a male friend. He was going through a rough time and his brethren told him fi link him. He ended up staying for a few months.
This friend lived with his wife and children. He bragged at the easy life he lived there, the lazy S.O.B even mentioned that he didn’t even have to lift a broom at that house. Readers let me now inform you the generous friend only lived 5 miles away, so there was no need for him to live-in at this house. Footnote…..months later he told me he walked away from that home leaving a lot of his clothes…… he never explained what happened.
Our horizontal nightly position holds the key to finding the clues and solving the puzzle. Just getting back together catching up and finding us again from May- October was our way of keeping the love alive. It was those moments at night, in that comfort zone that he would feel relax and talk. He mentioned that this male friend had paid up all his outstanding traffic tickets (clue #2) and was contemplating creating a better employment opportunity for him (clue #3). I thought to myself, great this was perfect for us to move forward.
At first he rebelled against the idea, burning out this benefactor. He didn’t want what this man was offering (clue #4). I am thinking to myself go ahead and take it, great opportunity rarely comes along……and fiscally this is what I had hoped over the years would happen to make us a complete couple. It is impossible to clap one hand!
Whirlwind …… things starts to spiral
Heck, his swag tun up and by mid December I started to accuse him of having another woman. He had no interest in sex; his noted effort to help out with household food bill came to an abrupt halt. I was determined not to blow my usual short fuse and stay the course.
After all Christmas was almost here and I thought let me hang in there. We had a terrible fight on Christmas Eve …… I got infuriated that this man, who made a commitment to us going forward, building a new us…………had not even the sense to know that real Jamaican men took care of their family with beaming pride at this time of the year……….so I had to cuss……just to get him to put money towards Christmas dinner. I had a serious WTF moment and ladies, Jamaican ladies I flipped out. He responded by putting some funds down and we floated through Christmas.
I met his friend/boss for the first on New Year’s Eve on my way to do my hair. He thanked me for my bottle of Appleton V/8 I had sent him and I responded to his pleasantry. We rode in the car about 45 minutes. We never exchange another word for the duration of the trip. A talkative person am I, but this man showed no interest in striking up a conversation with me.
This clue was not so easy to decipher, well not at that time. My ex had a habit over the years of calling me whenever he was out late, he would call me with a friend on the line, asking them to sincerely validate where he was…… at times with no credit he would use their phone. So I had developed a directory of numbers to choose from when I needed to find him. There was one number he never call me from even though he was always with that person ….. go figure, (clue)
He was always playing dominoes somewhere, so he claimed. We had no physical contact, he had no interest in sex and I was cranky all the time. He would come home in the wee hours of the morning, watched TV until he felt I was sleeping, then slipped in bed and wrapped himself in a sheet and stayed way to the edge on his side of the bed.
So I mentioned that maybe instead of breaking up this time, we could look at the possibility of him moving out, he could still come by whenever he needed to have sex with me ….. I would still wash his clothes ……. He could still come by for Sunday dinner. That has it stand now, us not having sex and him negating on his promise to make this relationship work, it would best to separate residence. This idea didn’t find favour with him and he stayed in my house to my discontent.
I guess the real break to figuring out his tricky came in mid February, when he came home one Saturday evening and mentioned he was heading to the country with his boss. Some family related issued, I protested a little at the suddenness, but hey…. by now it was neither here or there with me. He packed and said he’d be back on Monday. I even got a few calls from him to say he reached and that he was ok. When he got back and placed his dirty clothes into hamper I was alarmed at the messy brownish red spots on his back of his underwear and the back of the two of his pants (BIG CLUE). Here is the definitive moment when I stopped suspecting a woman as the distraction. Wow! #$@$@#......... I chided myself, impossible to fathom that possibility.
So I bought him a pack of condom and told whatever he doing out a road with whoever, he needed to protect us. I got the usual speech…..mi nuh have nuh woman wid yu……reader let me tell you he didn’t lie. An important footnote for this paragraph is after that trip to the country he never took his pants off when he came to bed….. I thought that was strange. I found the business card of a guesthouse in the pocket of his jeans. Made me realize they didn’t stay with the intended family member they went to visit.
Desperation can make all kind of liberty tek yu to rathid. We stumbled through March, by now I decreed that he could no longer eat meals provided at my house, he hadn’t contributed to the food bill since December 24 and his refusal to move out made me draw the line. He didn’t bathe at my house anymore, choosing to shower at what he called the camp. At times when he thought I was a sleep in bed, he would tell the person at the end of the phone he would see them at the camp later. Trust me that voice was no woman! Yet the conversation before all my deduction just sounded like two brethren a reason.
On April 3, at 4:02am my ex walked through my back door, I was still up on my computer. He muttered something and went to sit in the living room as he usually do, watched a little TV has he usually do, got up came to bed in his jeans which was his new norm. After falling asleep he turned on his side and the nastiest smear of brownish red mixture was on the back of his pants. My mouth dropped and my mind was a buzz.
The next morning he got up changed his clothes, placed the messed up jeans and underwear in a plastic bag, choosing to hide the bag way to the bottom of the dirty clothes hamper. In that moment I knew. He got up that morning and he tired to gauge my mood, unsure if I had seen the back of his pants. And hence the beginning of the end started.
1. I searched his phone once and found an raunchy message. I quickly memorized the number, when I called a man answered the phone. I just figured I didn’t memorize the number correctly.
2. Finding a used condom on my bedroom floor after sorting his dirty clothes. His explanation was that he had given a brethren the keys to his place and the guy must have left the condom on the floor. He must have scooped it up when he was taking up his clothes to bring to my house to be washed. I asked the friend and he confirmed the story. I know now that this man used my house while we were not at home to carry on his dirty activity
3. That every morning call from his friend. It seem this man would call him whenever he got into his car every morning. That call could have been a set alarm, because as sure as the sun set his phone would ring.
4. He was afraid to mess the sheets up so he never removed his pants when he came to bed
New beginning awaits on roads that never starts out paved, Dr. Carolyn Cooper told me to bawl if I must…..I will never forget those words. I used them to find my heart in the rumble and shocked it into beating again. So bawl if you must, your inner strength comes out when you start putting your clues together, whether you decide to confront him or not. Just knowing his sexual orientation, let you become the master of this game. It is our life that they have selfishly turned into a game. A life and death game laiden with STD’s, shame, guilt and self norms erosions. Remember bawl if you must ...but if you suspect he is on the downlow..... know his status today.
Nuff love and blessings.