Writing to you....Is like having a conversation with you both.
So much is in my head to be sorted out and that last email Debbie sent floored me; giving me so much food for thought.
I know you say don’t blame yourself. But I have a confession……and I know that I am stronger in myself today, to accept this blame. Had I been smarter, I wouldn’t be in the corner now wearing my straight spouse dunce cap. For years my ex and I have been on and off. I don’t believe we have ever had a full 2 year run without breaking up. We mostly breakup because when the pressure hits and he can’t contribute and I am doing all the spending, over long periods, my head get hot, we kick off and him go chill god he know where.
I am no angel…I have dated, loved, been loved and hurt as well during the break –up. In 2008 I was dating
My need to protect the girls from another monster coming in and trying to take advantage of them was easily replaced with staying with the evil I already know. After all he seems genuinely not interested in de-flowering them. I will tell you my girls have spunk and they will let me know when they are uncomfortable. Real talk, they will let me know when him cook out the food or eat out their snacks. Sometimes now they will go “ mommy weh kinda man yu have, from yu gone from morning him lay down inna de house a sleep” So they help me keep it real. I take blame that my not balancing motherhood and being a sexually active woman has landed me here. Raging at a man I settled with for all the wrong reasons.
I know what angers me the most. Our friends know the truth, they even empathize with me and even his defenders know in their hearts that the Precious they know would never be spiteful and provoking to make such a brangarang. Yet, no one seems overly angry or ready to malice, keep far or even jeer him. (Well I haven’t heard any such reports from anyone). I spoke with a good male friend to us both; in fact this friend is my childhood friend. I laid out every evidence, suspicion and then the shocking admission, and still he made corny excuses for all the evidence. With regards to my ex admitting “him affi do weh him affi do! a fi im ass!” he believe I didn’t hear de man right.
So what angers me is that in Jamaica, the Bi-Sexual man may have become acceptable or worse forgiven and forgotten. We may have adapted the US Army Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. These men are the branded ‘galis’, well dress, cash to spare, rolling wid a bag a man and covering up the dual life. Luring both sex, the unsuspecting low self esteem woman with anxiety issues and the lickue lickie lazy straight men, too weak and marginalize to fight for their manhood. Who will further start to degenerate, starting his own cycle of the down low lifestyle, turning to drugs or just end up with cooping issues based on bad choices.
Could it be then that it is the men who look and behave feminine, who are then labeled gay? Who becomes the real the target of our intolerance and anger? We may never be comfortable with these honest men who are unapologetic with regards to their sexuality. They have no need to ruin a woman life so they can live a lie. Their decision to be with their own sex was never out of a material need, a promotion, living a lie or the easy life.
Dr. Cooper, I never finished college, so for years I worked as a pre-trained teacher and I have under my belt the Certificate from UWI. So you were dead on about the women/spouses who are taught professional ethics being the ideal candidates for deceiving bisexual/gays/lesbians and transgender persons. Know also we are also trained to identify the signs and emote the symptoms.
I feel free, each time I write…………… ready to be reactive.
Thanks for listening.