KNOW THE SIGNS
Your Straight Spouse Awareness Guide
Your Straight Spouse Awareness Guide
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We have been receiving emails and telephone calls from you, and some of you are very sad, some very hostile, some with suicidal ideations. This is mainly from women who have been with men on the down low and are feeling totally duped, because they did not suspect a thing. They never ever had a thought that their husbands were gay. They were totally clueless. Some women now know that they had many clues, but did not know it at the time. Maybe you will see some you missed here. You are not alone. Millions of other women are missing them every day.
We do not claim to know everything about down low behavior so we turned to the experts. Yes, we got our clues from men and women who have lived it. Some clues may make you roll your eyes, but they were experienced by straight spouses who at the time, did not even think that they meant anything. Now they know better, so they are willing to share what they know to be true. Some things may never happen to you, but they happened to someone else.
Some women believed for years, that their husband had a mistress...only to find out that it was not a woman, but a man or a number of different men, some anonymous over the years. One woman who has been married for 11 years and has children by a man on the down low, said she is still feeling devastation by his deception after all these years.
She said that in hind sight, there were some clues, now that she knows what to look for, but back then, they meant nothing, because her husband being gay, never crossed her mind.
You are not alone! We want you to know that if your intuition is telling you that your spouse might be gay, you are not crazy. You may be on to something. We understand the emotions, hurt and feelings of betrayal that goes along with this. It is infidelity...infidelity with a somewhat dangerous twist.
To some of the gay husbands, it is like another form of entertainment, or recreation. It is sad to say that some of our young men in college are patterning this same dangerous, deceptive behavior. One more negative thing for young, impressionable, female college students to deal with.
Know this though, you are never alone. There are approximately 4 million other spouses in the USA plus those in other parts of the world, who share your pain. Here at SFC we want to highlight some of the clues that women all over the world have reported. You don't have to remain clueless anymore.
What you don't know can really hurt you. If your boss can monitor your computer use at work, you can use the same tool to monitor computer usage at your house.
Know The Top Signs Your Spouse May Be Gay
Some of these clues came from women who discovered their gay husbands secret. Some of these were shared by a bisexual man who claims he shares his sexual orientation and HIV status with women he respects. Some of these apply whether he is cheating with a woman or a man. The most important thing is to verify whether or not he is cheating, then find out if it's with a man.
CLUES, CLUES, CLUES!
1. Your Intuition is in Overdrive. This is really your very best clue that something is wrong. Follow your instincts, pay attention to your woman's intuition. If your gut tells you that something is wrong, or that some other guy or woman has captured your man's attention, then go with it. Especially if you are not the jealous type. Don't brush it aside, you are not imagining things.
Remember that your intuition, your instinct is your God given, built in, bad vibes radar detector, and danger alarm system. Don't be fooled because your husband professed to be a Christian, or is a deacon, or lay preacher or even a pastor of a church. All the down low men I know personally, claim to be Christians. A few of them have leadership roles in their community and churches. Go figure!
If your intuition is in overdrive, don't let your husbands social status lull you into a feeling of safety. Too many pastor's wives and wives of other men who are influential, pillars of the community, have reported same sex infidelity as the reason for the demise of their marriages.
Go with whatever is your gut instinct. However, balance your instinct with caution. It is never wise to accuse on a gut instinct, even though you maybe right. You can, and should ask the question...Many women have reported getting their answer just like that. But it is best to wait until you have evidence and then confront with the evidence. Evidence does not have to be physical. You are smarter than you give yourself credit for.
So, ask yourself if your concerns are legitimate concerns, or if you yourself are just lacking trust. Maybe you have good reasons to lack trust. If so, Don’t become paranoid, but don't doubt your instincts either! Intuition is a powerful weapon that God gave to us. It was meant to help us avoid danger...so use it.
Here is a kicker: One woman said she was getting some bad vibes from her fiance, but she kept brushing everything aside. He was perfect. He was very attentive, gave her 'enough' sex and he was never out at night without her, and he came home from work on time for dinner every night. He was definitely not cheating. So she thought. When could he do it when he was always with her, except when he was working?
He was slick, he got his gay hook ups after work at least twice a week, then head straight home and stayed there. He was dutifully in church every week...making connections for more hooks ups. She had no clue until two weeks before the wedding, when he was busted in a police sting operation.
She was devastated when he admitted that the charges were true, apologizing that it was the first time he did it. Then she searched his computer and his car, and found so much incriminating evidence, she almost had a nervous breakdown. Down Low men are smart...Be careful! Make sure you have a strong heart, because what you find may hit you hard like a Mack truck. Read this story.
DO NOT TIP YOUR HAND BEFORE YOU INVESTIGATE FULLY, AND GATHER SOME PERTINENT EVIDENCE.
Yes you may eventually have to confront him with the evidence, (you should) when you prove your instincts to be right, so be prepared. You may be very hurt by what you discover, but it is important that you know. Investigate fully. No need to rush and be careless leaving a trail behind, so he can suspect you are on to him, and start confusing you, or abusing you. Rome was not built in a day. His same sex infidelity didn't just happened..no matter what he tells you.
Take your time and get all your ducks in a row. Whether you are staying in the marriage of will leave, you still have to BE CAREFUL! If your gay husband suspects that he is going to be 'outed' before he is ready to 'come out', or is outed in what he deems a malicious manner, he may go balistic, or go rogue and become very vindictive and spiteful.
Now, you understand why some women remain in their 'husbands closet' even after divorce.
2. He Tells You He is Bisexual. What does this mean? He has had sex with men and he liked it? He has a male lover and he wants you to accept that fact? He is having gay anonymous sex with strange men? Do you want to be a part of that life...at least he is honest. He may not have admitted it to anyone else. So he is 'OUT' to you but no one else in the family knows, so he is still a down low man.
Do you want to play that game? It's up to you, but insist on protecting yourself when you engage in sexual relations. You have to decide what you will accept and what you won't. Don't allow yourself to be pressured into accepting anything that makes you feel less than who you know you are.
But be warned, he might ask to have a threesome with you and another man. Then what? Do you really want to be the odd woman? If you do, be warned, the man may eventually win him outright. Do you want to take that chance? Then again, if he is having gay sex, you have already lost him. His Same Sex Attraction, (SSA) won't go away...Let me repeat that, His same sex attraction won't go away.
3. Strange or increased Computer Activity. We will spend some time on this clue as DL men and other secretly gay individuals predominantly use the internet to make their hook ups. Some secretly gay men come from cultural backgrounds that are intolerant to same gender loving, same sex infidelity, and anyone who is gay. Over time these gay individuals may migrate to another geographical locations where there is more tolerance for this behavior.
Use of the internet makes it also becomes less likely that their sexual orientation will be discovered, unlike when they lived in an obscure, rural, small town, or in a third world country with no such access or very limited access to computers.
These days, it's easy to meet men in chat rooms, forums or on instant messenger. Have you seen suspicious names in your IM window or unknown chat sites in your browser history? Frequenting Gay websites with gay porn, gay chat sites or excessive messaging chat with men is a sure give away sign. A little digging can go a long way.
It is very easy for them to make connections through various 'DL friendly sites such a manhunt.com, adam4adam.com, Craigslist Personals or some other generic dating site for starters. Computer clues can alert you that your spouse is on the down low.
You may find incriminating e-mails from men if he is secretly gay or women if she is a lesbian. Evidence of frequent visits to gay friendly websites, may indicate that your spouse is having, or planning to have sex with someone of the same sex. Be observant. Or better yet...
Monitor Internet Use from Anywhere
If you are suspecting your mate of same sex infidelity, pay close attention to everything he says and does. Secretive behavior of any kind should raise a red flag. Have you found him secretly in possession of any type of porn. Homosexual pornography (videos, magazines, photos stored on his computer, or the home computer)?
If your husband has consistently viewed homosexual pornography, on the computer (check the history in your internet browser.) Some gay men stay undiscovered by looking at straight porn...They watch the male.
One easy way to check your computers browsing history is to look at the drop down menu when you type a web address. The sites visited recently are listed right there. That is if he has not deleted his web browsing history. Otherwise open a new browser window like you want to check something on line and PRESS CTRL + H.
You can also check the Temporary Internet Files…that is where his stash of favorite gay sites will be manifested. Yes, the knowledge of it will hurt, but you really need to know for your own protection. You should see the history for all sites visited that day, and several weeks and months past. Remember that he probably would not be doing this if he did not enjoy it. It is simply too risky an activity to merely "check out" on a regular basis.
Straight men are disgusted with ‘male on male gay porn’. They won’t spend time looking at it repeatedly. They get disgusted by it and they will
not pay to look at it.
If you have kids, don't let your spouse use them as an excuse for the gay pop ups without investigating. Some men blame it on their kids. Don't fall for that. Investigate further.
If he seems to be hiding something, find out what it is. Your very life could be at stake. Do not use lack of computer knowledge as an excuse to keep risking your life.
You may be able to take a basic computer class at your local library. If you have kids, chances are they are computer savvy and can teach you the basics. Use their skills to teach yourself.
At least learn how to get on line, and check your computer's web browsing history. (Do not include your kids in your investigative work).
Just for starters, if you open up your browser...just try to get on line without typing anything yet, press Ctrl + H, you should see the history of the websites your spouse visited, if he did not clear the web history. (This works perfectly with Internet Explorer). If the web history is cleared...red flag, red flag, he was on sites that he would not like you to know he visited. Why is he hiding his visits? Why is there secrecy in the first place...Red Flag.
Be careful trying to be a super snooper, though, and give your man space. It's just as easy to meet friends online as it is love interests. Your spouse may just be reaching out for other gay people to talk to, not necessarily to have sex with, but that is highly unlikely.
If your boss can monitor your computer use at work, you can use the same tool to monitor computer usage at your house.
It is your right to know...Use this link to find out how.
4. He engages in suspicious non-verbal communication with other men -- a look, a touch or hug that lasts a little too long or seems to be intimate, and definitely makes you uncomfortable. Giving his business card to a strange man, without the prior discussion of business, or an informal introduction. Do you ever believe he plays footsie under the table with any other man? Hmmm.
Typically, men greet each other with firm handshakes and other “macho” forms of non-verbal communication. Sometimes, men just give each other a head nod with a familiar greeting. Of course, greeting among men can vary depending on culture and religion. But, when you observe your man hugging, touching or looking at another man just a little bit too long, then your unspoken uneasiness may be valid.
Watch if he looks men up and down and in the crotch area. Especially, if he does not hug, touch or look at you with the same amount of intimacy. When a man and woman walk into the room together, who does he look at first? Is it the man, and how long does he look? Does he stare subconsciously? Tries to hold the other mans gaze? Does his eyes follow the other man across the room.
Heck, this happens in church too. Because the church is one of the most important places where men on the down low find same sex partners for hook ups or even long term sexual liaisons. Disgusting, but true.
5. Emotional Distance. It’s normal for the intensity of your relationship to decrease after you've been together for a while. There may have been a time when you couldn't bear to leave each others' sight and now you both enjoy your time alone. This isn't a sign that he is cheating, only that the relationship is starting to settle into a loving and comfortable phase. Nonetheless, take note of any emotional distancing.
Has he stopped listening or laughing? Does he seem distant or spacey, almost as if he's always preoccupied? Take note if your spouse is there physically, but not quite "there" mentally. Is he depressed? His knowledge of his sexual attraction for men may cause him to suffer from depression.
6. He has an abundance of new or strange male friends with whom he seems to be too close or too familiar. Watch out if your husband spends too much alone time with one man or a small group of men whom you never ever get to know well. This is a sign that perhaps your husband may be gay. At the very least, you can suspect that he is involved with his male friend(s) with a level of intimacy that he should be saving for you.
Trust your instincts if he spends a great deal of time with one man or a few without ever inviting you to the party. But if you feel that the amount of time being spent with your partners male friend, 'his best buddy', is beginning to make you feel uncomfortable, there is nothing to say you cannot look into it, for your peace of mind.
Some DL men have friends who they will never introduce you to. They will talk about them, they know about you, but you seem to know nothing about them, or only know them by some 'phony' name. If you really feel as though something strange is going on, there is probably a reason. Trust your instinct.
7. Your husband is unable to be sexually aroused by you, no matter what you do or wear, in or out of bed, and he does not have a medical problem. If you put the moves on your husband who has not had sex with you in a week or more, he should at least become aroused and get an erection. He should definitely get one on your honeymoon, especially if you were having infrequent sex or not at all before the wedding.
Is he ill? Is he taking any medications that may lessen his sex drive? Has sex become so monotonous and boring between the both of you, that he is no longer interested? If you thoroughly analyze these questions with honesty and the answers are “no,” then there may be infidelity that is occurring.
It does not necessarily mean that it is same-sex infidelity- it could be with another woman, which you need to know also. Two out of three women do not know when their husbands cheat with another woman. But, it is definitely an overt sign to watch out for. Another clue that you can use is that he keeps an emotional distance, but after he comes home from hanging out with his buddies, he is anxious for sex...detached, mechanical sex without intimacy, and no foreplay.
He may be feeling guilty or disgusted about his extra curricular activity, and is looking for validation that he is still manly. How weird is that...but it happens. Protect yourself, as he can bring home anything he just picked up...literally...If he got painted, you want the residue of that inside you? Ugh. sickening, but it has happened and made some unsuspecting women really, very sick.
Straight men desire their wives even when they have erectile dysfunction. If sexual activity steeply declines within the first few years of marriage, or if you're always more sexually aggressive than your husband, don't think it is your fault entirely! Especially if you are not getting any sex, and he calls you a nymphomaniac.
A heterosexual friend of mine, diagnosed with both type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure, with a medication regimen, admitted to having difficulties with erectile dysfunction. He said, 'I love my wife and I have discovered that there are so many ways to prepare chicken than just frying it.'
If you get out of the shower naked and dripping wet, a straight man won't run from the bathroom. You will probably be late for work.
8. He has a strong preference for non-typical sex…Yea; he wants anal sex from you, his wife...more than he wants vaginal sex. Or he wants you to use a strap on to give him anal sex…or a prostate massage. Note if he pretends to be having difficulty finding the right entrance. Or if he keeps hinting he would like to use another 'entrance or talks about 'friends' telling him how good anal sex feels.
Those are 'Red flags.' You never seem to feel satisfied from sex with him, and everything feels so mechanical like he is following some guide from a manual. There is no spontaneity and he never bothers to make sure you are ever satisfied. Don't be surprised if he tries to make you believe he is doing you a favor with his mechanical performance. Secretly gay men get tips from their other secretly gay buddies how to fool their wives when they cannot refuse sex any longer.
9. He has a tendency to brag about gay men complimenting him on his looks. If an openly gay man compliments a really straight man, seriously…he won’t do it twice. Really straight men do not like being admired by openly gay men. It creeps them out.
10. He spends unusually long periods of time on the phone with another man. To be sure, there is nothing wrong with a man texting, or talking to another man on the phone. It may be an old friend that your man has not talked to in a while, and they are catching up, or a business associate.
But, if you observe your man talking to another man on a consistent basis, even an old friend, for a relatively long period of time, on a regular basis, like he used to talk to you when you were courting, with the relaxed body language when he believes you are not looking, this may be a warning sign. Some best friends are so much more than 'friends"
If he places the phone on speaker for you hear he is only talking to a male friend, just pretend it does not faze you, like one wife reported, but continue to discretely listen to his end of the conversation. You may be surprised what you hear. It is good to learn their jargon/lingo. That is what tipped one very outgoing, popular woman that her very successful, christian husband was actively gay. He received a text with a reference to fish and chips. Wow, that was another gay man asking about her and the kids. He wanted to come over for sex, like he always did when the wife and kids were away.
11. He has a consistent overreaction to anything concerning gay men, such as extreme homophobia. If your husband becomes excessively angry when confronted by someone who is gay, it may indicate that your husband is gay. This doesn't make sense at first, but take a minute and think about it... People often lash out at those who embody traits they do not like about themselves. They are in fact empathizing with that person, but it doesn't come across that way.
12. He has an unusually high percentage of male friends who are gay. Watch out if your husband's new best friend is gay! Straight men do not feel comfortable hanging out with openly gay men, all the time.
13. He is no longer attracted to you. A commonplace and tangible manifestation that your man may be engaging in infidelity is that he is no longer attracted to you, although you are still attractive from an internal and external perspective. This becomes even stranger when your man begins to criticize your normal, healthy and sexy body; while you hear him compliment other men or a particular man on how good they dress and look, while not saying such nice things to you or about you.
To be sure, similar to sex, it is not atypical for certain men to become less attracted to you over time. But, this decreased attraction for you, should not be replaced with a more passionate attention for men. Watch out if he acts like, or says he finds your body repulsive, especially when you know your body is a sexy as ever, and you take very good care of yourself. The lack of sex is not because of you...it's him.
14. Shaves his body hair and begins to dress differently. If he suddenly starts shaving his body and pubic hair, even though you tell him you like looking at his hairy chest, start paying closer attention to other things. He may also start growing a beard.
Have you ever caught him taking a picture of himself naked with his cell phone or other camera? Has he started wearing tighter, younger looking style clothes or started dressing like a thug? A straight man usually likes to please his woman, if your man begins to only dress to please himself or his male friends, take a closer look.
Some active gay men prefer smooth bodies, so your man may want to keep his body smooth to attract certain types of lovers. a beard is also preferable by some gay men. Investigate discretely. One pastor's wife did her own PI work to avoid disrepute falling on the church. She found more than she ever imagined. That new beard and goatee had a huge significance.
15. He buys or receives expensive, intimate, or overly personal gifts from other men. Whew! This is a biggie. Don’t over look this…investigate, discretely.
16. He has male friends who are overly friendly…to him and especially you. Like they over compliment you, or even pretend to be hitting on you. Watch out, some undercover gay men like their ‘boyfriends’ to be good friends with their wives to help conceal their gay lifestyle. Does your husband have a 'friend' who comes for dinner at Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays or any other important celebration, without his significant other who you hear about but never ever met? Does he offer room and board to 'new friends'? Investigate discretely. There is a saying that goes like this, 'what you don't know won't hurt you'...NOT TRUE.
I received enough email from men who had women's husbands right in their beds, in their home, with them right there under the same room. He is just a friend, remember...NOT.
17. He gets lots of non business phone calls and text messages from other men. If they are men you don't know or men that your husband does not willingly tell you about (such as an old friend from high school who happened to get in touch with him), be concerned. If your intuition tells you to check emails, text messages or picture mail…by all means do it…LEGALLY. It is your life, your husband and your marriage. If you don't know the lingo, you might miss the clues.
The longevity of your family may depend on your checking. You may be surprised to hear him talking to a man, like he did when he was courting you, or even more lovingly. DL men are good at phone sex-hook ups, be aware. Again, this is especially, if he no longer consistently engage in such intimate, and long conversations with you.
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